I first noticed that my older son had speech and learning delay when he was about 3 years old. His struggles manifested as temper tantrums and difficult behaviours from a young age as he could not express himself well. I held on to faith in God who could move mountains and tried my best to attend parenting workshops and intervention sessions.
When I relied on my own understanding and expected God to move the mountains away, I was ladened with disappointment with the lack of progress months after months. I felt like I was doing everything yet it was not enough.
My son started primary school the year Covid pandemic affected our shore and all the interventions we depended on came to a pause. His learning and emotional struggles escalated into what felt like never-ending daily storms. I became physically and mentally exhausted. I eventually fell into a valley where I was unable to function normally in daily life.
I was socially withdrawn but no one outside the home noticed since social distancing measures were in place. I had negative thoughts and was losing hope. I felt guilty for not being a more capable mum for my children. I felt like I was on my own, forgotten by God.
But, God had never left me nor forgotten about me. When I was held captive by my own negative thoughts, God prompted different people to remember me in prayers and reached out to me. The timings coincided with days that were particularly worse than others.
When someone prayed for me, I would have more strength to pick myself up and the negative thoughts would leave me for a while. One particular sister in Christ dreamed of me twice, a few months apart. Once when things just started, and another time when my mental health spiralled downward. Though both times I did not share much.
Looking back, God had prepared people like her to journey with me as I walked through the valley. Eventually we met up and I opened up about my struggles to her. She shared a verse that God had impressed on her heart for me. “But those who trust in the Lord, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not become weary, they will walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31).
She then shared a song that talked about a love letter in the sky (“Nobody loves me like You” by Chris Tomlin), reflected in the creation by God. She encouraged me to look up to God and see things from His perspective.
It felt like a light shone through the dark clouds. I remembered God's words from Psalms 121:1-2 “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” I had been looking at the mountains instead of my God. That day, I felt that God was breaking down the weight of my mountains. This sister then invited me to join her and a few mothers regularly in WOW MOM to learn and grow together in our parenting journey. In the beginning, I dragged my feet to the sessions as I struggled with fatigue constantly. But each time without fail, I would be refreshed with a new strength and joy that I had not felt in a long time.
The group of mothers shared genuinely about the ups and downs in many aspects of our lives. There was no judgement, no prejudices, only compassion and encouragement for one another. Through their sharings of how God was present in their lives, I was repetitively reminded of God's heart for me as my Father in Heaven. He is always patient, He always forgives, always picks me up when I am down and never gives up on me.
Today, I can testify that my God has delivered me out of the dark valley. I am now trekking one step at a time on the mountains that are part of the landscape of this world. Never mind where. Because where we are at, matters less than Who we are with.
God sometimes does not remove the mountains in our lives. Instead, He moves us closer to Him. “It is often in our weakest moment that God's strength is most clearly felt”, said a very wise lady in the mothers' group that God sent to journey with me.
Last year, the Lord further showed His love by working in my son's heart. One night, my son told me that he has decided to follow Jesus all of his life. He asked me whether God would know that. I noticed there were tears in his eyes. I answered him that God knows what is in our heart. But he repeated his questions, tearing even more. I was puzzled and tried to reassure him. To my surprise, he repeated the questions, tearing non-stop by then.
It suddenly dawned on me that God was moving his heart through the Holy Spirit. I then asked him if he wanted to pray to receive Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. Immediately, he said yes and stopped crying. That night, I was reminded that more than any eloquence or achievement in life, the most important thing for my children is living their lives in relationship with God through Jesus.
God has already given them the significance and security as His children. Everything else is a bonus.
- Story of Elenor, a mom of 2 kids
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