I never found any solace or security at home. As young as 9 years old, my relationship with my dad had been distant especially after he left the family for 3 months due to gambling debts. Witnessing my mum crying almost daily left a permanent scar in me. I felt helpless, abandoned and angry towards my dad. Due to my dad’s irresponsible character, our family’s finances were strained. This led to constant quarrelling between my parents. I developed an increasing resentment and unforgiveness towards my dad.
I never confided in my parents during my growing years. I always felt lost and my self-esteem was low. I yearned so much to be loved. Throughout my youth, I would hop in and out of boy-girl relationships, trying to find the love that I had missed out at home. Despite being in successive relationships, there was this vaccum in my heart that could not be filled.
I invited Jesus into my life in 1997 after witnessing a friend's healing in a church. Thereafter, I was enthusiastic to serve God. I helped in the church and volunteered in my community outside church. It took my mind off the problems at home and the boy-girl relationships. I just wanted to escape into a world where I was free to do what I wanted to do. Despite doing what I wanted to do, my soul never truly satisfied.
I knew I was living a double-life. I was on fire for God and serving fervently in church on one hand, but on the other, I was still having one boyfriend after another. I craved more for a man's love than God's love. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of shame and self-condemnation.
My struggles finally took a toll on me in 1999. I suffered from insomnia and mood swings. One day, I erupted like an active volcano towards my dad, possibly due to all the suppressed resentment I had against him.
Concerned, my dad accompanied me to see a doctor and I was referred to a psychiatrist with 2 weeks hospitalisation. My mom visited me and brought me a Chinese worship song book. The songs lifted up my spirit. Through the lyrics, I was assured that God loves me with no condemnation despite my double lifestyle. He accepts me even though I felt so unworthy. He is the One who healed my soul.
Eventually, I was diagnosed with manic depression (known as bipolar disorder now). The diagnosis wasn't easy to accept. However, I knew acceptance was the beginning of this long healing journey.
I’m thankful through it all as my parents stood by me. They aren't perfect but they felt remorseful. They started writing letters of encouragement to me. I have learned to forgive my dad and love him. I took almost 10 years to truly forgive my dad. I am constantly reminded to practice forgiveness just as how God forgives me of all my sins.
My dad died at the age of 68 from metastatic gastric cancer. From the start of the diagnosis till his last days, he did not once complain in his struggles and sufferings. He sought our forgiveness repeatedly and turned back to God. My soul is comforted as I believe I will see him again in heaven one day.
Knowing that God loves me and is sovereign gives me confidence for the future and peace. I have learnt to pray more and worry less.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation with prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
- Story of Anna*, a mom of 2
Anna's growing up years were challenging. Her family could not provide her with the love and security that were very crucial in helping her grow up well. Having a deficit in love and security, she sought for them elsewhere. All her challenges and difficulties finally took a toll on Anna and led her to a major breakdown. Despite all these, God assured her of His love and His full acceptance of her. He led her through a journey of recovery and forgiveness.
*Names have been changed to respect the privacy of the people in the article.
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