From Porn to Freedom: Finding True Intimacy with God

 It's just, no one's ever willing to talk about that. So if you are, I don't know what…

I ain't scared. I ain't scared.

I remember the very first pornography image I ever saw. I think I was like 10 or something crazy. I was super young, a young little guy. And I remember there was an obvious seduction to it. And I've heard that's actually many people's story – they get exposed to it early on.

And that's why these [phones] are so dangerous. You gotta be careful with this thing.

And really it was just a device or a method that I went to when I was hurting. So anytime I was in pain, which was a lot back then, I would turn to pornography. It was the whole imagination and the fantasy of it all. I just knew that if I continued on that road, it would destroy me and it would destroy, most of all, my relationship with God.

That sin hinders communion. It hinders it. So I don't want anything in my life that would hinder God's face from shining on me. And one day, I felt the desire to look at pornography and I went into my prayer closet and I stayed there until God spoke to me about it. And I stayed there for four or five hours.

I didn't move until, 'cause I was like, this cannot live in my life. This is ruining things. This is not good. And He started showing me that what I was looking for was intimacy with Him. What I was looking for was love with Him. Pornography back then. That was just a way I got fake love. It was fake love for me, fake intimacy.

I started realizing I'm doing this because I want love, 'cause I need love. Not even want love. I need it. I need comfort. Every human being has a base desire for love, affirmation, comfort. And when that clicked, when I realized why I was going to it, I could then repurpose that why or redirect it. And that started this journey of getting intimacy with God. That started that.

And the more I grew in intimacy with God, the quieter that got, and anytime that there was pain that would come up – and my old habit was to turn to pornography or lust – I started to learn, even though it was really hard, especially in the early days, to take that desire, that desire for comfort and love, and redirect it to Christ, to the Holy Spirit within me, and to bring it to Him and to say, “Father, I wanna look at porn. I need Your help. Will you love me in this spot? Better yet, will You love me even if I slip up right now?”

Asking God those questions is just so key. You have to make time with Him. You have to give your heart to Him. You have to be vulnerable. I would say vulnerability is probably one of your greatest secret weapons in developing a spiritual walk. Be vulnerable with God, with every single ugly part.

Like for me, it was I started with lust. Lust is the seed that grows into pornography and all these other things. So it's like when I start saying lust, if I chop that, then I don't have to worry about pornography down the road. I think John Piper says, sin is what you do when you are not satisfied with God.

So if sin looks appealing, it's like that bag of chips – or for me, it's the chocolate covered pretzels at the gas station. And if I'm really, really hungry, all of a sudden that bag of chocolate covered pretzels looks really good. But if I just ate a ribeye and had some sweet potatoes and broccoli with it, I don't want that bag of chips at all. I'm satisfied. I'm content.

So anytime that desire, those things start to rise up, it's often a deep need for Christ’s very own presence. You know, there's the phrase, garbage in, garbage out, but the inverse is true. Jesus in, Jesus out. Truth in, truth out. I just have to be really careful – we all do – with what are we looking at? What are we taking in? What accounts am I following on social media?

Yesterday I got on social media, I don't even know how this happened. I opened it up, there was a reel and it was a very scandalous reel, and I immediately closed it out. And what did I do? I just texted my wife, Hey honey, I saw this. I closed it out. I didn't go looking for it, but it was there. And then said, I'm sorry. Love you.

Most people would probably be like, you didn't need to do that. Maybe not. But for me, that helps keep me clean. That helps my conscience stay clean. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but if anything comes up just to be quick to repent, quick to confess that to Jesus, and then quick to move on.

If I put that to death and I give that to Christ, He will help you. I'm gonna tell you something that you probably need to hear. You can't do it yourself and you're not as awesome as you think you are, and neither am I. We need Jesus, and that's our safety. So if you are struggling with pornography or lust or whatever it is, John 6 says those who come to Him, He will never cast out, never cast out.

Jesus already paid the price for you. He knew what you would do, what I would do. He already knew and he already went to the cross. So I would say to you who are struggling with sin, do not run from Him, but run to Him with it. Especially if you're a believer knowing He'll never cast you out, and that no pain that we've experienced is greater than God's ability to heal, restore, and reconcile.