A Masking Smile and a Guilty Heart

by Emilie Vinson

Life can be messy. Slowly you learn to hide the mess inside, where no one else can see. Just you. And don’t forget to smile, they’re watching.

That was how I thought for a long time, even as a Christian.

I put my trust in Jesus to save me back in 2003. Despite this, I had a lot of lust, emotional chaos, pride and fear that were so rooted in me, and I hid it all. But I thought I could balance my dark thought life with a super bright outward life, so I formed a resume to prove it.

I was a top student, a student leader, involved in Christian clubs, in sports, the whole lot.

I was always trying to make sure I had the approval from others that I feared I didn’t really have from God.

I did have a genuine relationship with God, but there were areas of my mind that I thought He couldn’t handle. So instead of giving them to Him, I walked around with a burden of guilt… and a masking smile.

When I put my trust in Jesus years ago, I knew I had received that gift. But in 2008, I heard more about this grace that completely changed my understanding. For the first time, I genuinely understood that at the cross, where Jesus died for my sin, everything that’s wrong with us was put on Jesus, and Jesus’ perfection was put on us.

I read 2 Corinthians 5:21, and it changed my perspective!

2 Corinthians 5:21 says, “For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ” (New Living Translation).

All my bright and shiny actions didn’t earn this love — God loved me before I had a chance to try and earn it.

Later down the road, God helped me to share my struggles with other Christians who prayed for me, and I saw God deliver me in a mighty way. I learned that His grace can handle all of me. And each day God continues to shape my heart as I experience and understand more deeply His approval and unchanging love for me in Christ.

Agape Student Life, Cru’s ministry in the UK, has helped me grow in this and share the same freedom with others. The truth of God’s love displaces the lies in my mind, and now I can really say I am free in Christ… and really smile, too.

Learn how to receive the gift of God’s unchanging love and acceptance in Christ Jesus.

Have you received God’s gift but struggle to understand how to live it out, like Emma? Find some guidance on what it means to live out your faith day-to-day.

Since 1951, Cru has helped individuals who grapple with integrating faith into daily life by offering practical steps and community support. As a result, countless people in over 190 countries have been empowered to move from passive belief to active faith.

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