I was raised in a religious family, attending church regularly and being educated in religious schools from my early childhood up through college at Villanova University.
While I had the benefit of being raised in a Christian home, my faith walk has not been a smooth or easy one.
Abuse and Dysfunction
I had an abusive upbringing that included a duplicitous father who was both very good and very bad. That is, outside of our home, he attended church regularly. He was a hardworking, non-materialistic, loyal, honest, generous, and smart attorney. But inside our home, he was a verbally, physically, and sexually abusive madman.
I suffered greatly and equally from my abusive home and from the dysfunctional family dynamic that developed among all family members living in such a home. With such an upbringing, problems naturally arose in my life as I tried to emerge and heal from the years of trauma.
Why, God, Why?
Throughout my life, my faith has been tested and continues to be tested. Most recently as my mother has had advanced dementia for years, and I have cared for her in my home.
While I know we all experience suffering in life and some even more than me, it seems that suffering is not distributed equally among us, and it often feels that I have gotten more than my share.
Throughout my life, my arduous road compelled me to seek answers to such questions as “Is there a God?” and if so, “Why, God, why?”
Crying Out For Mercy
About twenty years ago, during confession, a priest described my relationship with God by grasping his hand to his wrist and tugging his clasped arms back and forth.
The priest remarked that while my relationship with God has been combative, consisting of desperate questioning and crying out for mercy and understanding, I never stopped grasping for Him or yearning to be closer to Him. This was indeed my faith walk and it always led to Christ.
The Same Answer
Being an accounting professor at Wake Forest University (and at the University of Florida and Drexel University before that) has been an absolute blessing. The academic world of the mind has suited my life-long quest for answers to questions that often plague us all – that is, “What’s it all about?”, “What matters and why?”, and “Why, God, why?”.
Applying my research skills to my spiritual life, my search for the answers to these and all other questions always leads to the same answer: Draw closer to Jesus and cling more desperately to Him, and everything will be alright.
And it already is.
